Why

So this one is kind of fluffy (which seems to be a bit of a theme at the moment), but I think I have finally, after 35 years, figured out why I like horses.

There is no time like cleaning horse yards in the morning for having philosophical breakthroughs.

I've developed the opinion that 'personal preferences' are rarely benign and are not magically formed in a vacuum. A lifetime of social conditioning and media pressures play on our need to fit in and feel safe. Just because we can't (or don't want to) identify the reasons why we 'prefer' dressing a certain way or presenting ourselves to others according to certain conventions, doesn't mean we freely chose these things.

It is okay to admit that you do some things because of social pressures or previous experiences. It is okay to identify this and keep doing them because it is easier or more comfortable than going against the grain. We are human, we can't help it. Free will is an illusion we hide behind because we value our belief in our autonomy.

Some of us get caught in loops caused by childhood trauma. We can find ourselves locked in a scarcity mindset, or unable to rely on others because we had nobody to rely on when we were children. This can cause us to be uncomfortable spending money on ourselves, or to shy away from social interactions. We can call these preferences, but they are actually coping mechanisms. Mostly they aren't hurting anyone, so we don't need to examine them closely, we can just use them to protect ourselves and leave it at that.

The need to feel valued and respected is primal. To feel seen and heard. If the community values you, it will protect you. And I think this is where horses came into the picture for me. A companion who always had time for me, who would never call me weird or find me annoying. Who would do what I asked, within reason, and help me achieve things I could not do on my own.

Looking at it now, at a time when my life is full of fear and uncertainty and not knowing what my future holds or if I will even have a future, my ponies are a huge source of comfort. They help me live in the moment, and take each day as it comes. They allow me to set small, reachable goals with the option of longer term goals always implied.

They are there for me, but make no demands. They have no use for the words I can't say out loud. When I am overwhelmed they provide calm, or distraction, or amusement.

And here's the big thing - they are predictable. If I treat them with care and understanding, they give me the same back. They don't ignore me, or use me as a prop for their ego, or find my feelings inconvenient. They work with my limitations and meet me where I am at, as I do for them. As a person who could never quite get the hang of human interaction, who has been confused and let down by people my entire life, horses are a source of comfort because they say what they mean and mean what they say.

As I have come to understand my own brain a bit better and finally got my nervous system to a more manageable state, I have found a sense of ease and confidence in my horsemanship that has started to translate to my human relationships. And as I learn more about the motivations and instincts of horses, and start to understand the ways in which they function, they start to make sense to me in a way that people never have.

A horse is a mix of magic and logic that exists in a world of wordless communication where it is always now. All my understanding and skill in human language still leaves me struggling to connect with people.

My instructor says that horses know we mean well, that's why they show up for us every day, even when we fail them. If I can honour their faith in me, they will unreservedly put themselves in my hands. No human has ever trusted me like that, or assumed me worthy of such high regard. It is just not in their nature.

Photo - my first love, Pat. He got me through my teenage years and later was there for me when I wanted to compete again after two pregnancies and two heart surgeries.