Just a Little Light

So we bought a new horse.

This horse was not to replace my green pony Ava, but more as a stepping stone to her. And with Matt also needing a quiet horse to learn on it was a case of one horse to fill more than one need.

Sporty is a kind and sensitive horse, but he is very quick to down-regulate and prefers to take things slowly. This works well for us, for the most part. But what very soon became apparent when I started to ride him is that he likes a rider who can support him and I am not currently capable of doing so.

He's not afraid to tell you if he doesn't like what you're doing and he was not shy about telling me that if I was going to be a quivering mess he didn't want me on his back.

So we began with Matt leading me around on him, being the human in charge while I concentrated on figuring out how to feel safe. And I thought I could just do this for a while, gradually accustom my nervous system to being in the saddle and not dying until I was ready to take the reins for myself.

But of course Matt doesn't have the same block that I have, so he was keen to get on and actually learn how to ride.

Sporty has been ridden mostly by a beginner, so he has a few tricks to attempt to bamboozle a rider who doesn't know how to deal with it. He tried these tricks on Matt. Nothing dangerous, just a bit of tail swishing, foot stamping and trying to pull his head down. Also falling out through his shoulder when asked to turn.

Now I might not have been the on that horse, but I felt the challenge in my body as though I was, and I didn't like it. I called out instructions. I stepped in to lead Sporty by the bridle when he refused to go forward. We all got frustrated. After several minutes Matt suggested that I leave them alone and let him figure it out.

And figure it out they did.

My hands twitched every time Sporty resisted Matt's aids. I so badly wanted to get in there and fix things for them. It was so difficult for me to watch this low-key conflict between horse and rider. But suddenly, after a few minutes it all came together and they were moving around the arena, walking over the cavalettis and even doing rein-backs with ease, grace and correct bend.

Matt was delighted, and Sporty seemed pretty pleased with himself too. I saw the joy and enthusiasm in both of them that I am seeking for myself and honestly not sure I can ever achieve. Sporty was forward and using his body in ways that will help develop his strength and balance.

That night I dreamed of riding Sporty, trotting along feeling confident and comfortable. Until the saddle slipped forward and I ended up on his neck. But there was someone there to help me safely find my feet and Sporty himself was not especially concerned.

Watching things get messy with the man and the horse and seeing them resolve it and come away better than they were when they started seems to have unlocked something in my brain.

I've been so afraid of losing control, so desperate to manage everyone's feelings, that I haven't been able to allow my nervous system to develop any resilience. I've been tiptoeing around the horses when it comes to riding, trying to be perfect at all times and feeling every messy moment as a threat. I'd got so caught up in the idea that resistance from a horse was a sign that something is wrong, that I forgot that it can just be a difference of opinion that can be worked through.

Micromanaging others and nursing their feelings as a way to protect myself is not new to me. This was programmed into me from a very young age - to fear conflict and do anything to avoid it. I just hadn't realised the extent to which I still do it. And it hadn't occurred to me that it might be what is holding me back with my riding.

As the days warm up and the weather is better for playing with horses I am not setting myself any firm goals. I am just going to keep chipping away at feeling comfortable in the saddle and take the inspiration as I find it.

It is not just me now. It is not just me and Ava. Now there are four of us working together, bringing different strengths and different perspectives. Looking out for each other and offering support.

If I can feel that safety in my dream that suggests that it still exists somewhere in my body. I just have to convince my mind to let me access it.

So then I can ride around with a smile on my face like these two.