'Yes,' With An 'if...', 'No,' With A 'but...'.

There's a lot of conjecture going around at the moment about consent in horse training.

Which is no surprise, really, because an awful lot of people don't have a good grasp of the concept when it comes to humans.

Consent is a loaded topic. Broadly, it encompasses issues such body autonomy, societal power structures, and free will. Sometimes it gets dumbed down to 'no means no', which in the past has been misinterpreted as an open door to work around or use a position of power to disincentivise that 'no'.

'No' can be a complete sentence, but it rarely is. There are many ways of implying 'no' without coming right out and saying it. When it comes to a non-verbal animal such as the horse, us humans need to consciously keep an eye out for that implied 'no'.

I have a mare who I joke that 'no' is always her first response. She's a big, strong black pony with a troubled past and the scars to prove it. She's always first at the gate in the evening and happy to share space with you. But approach her with a headcollar and you'll soon see that 'no'. Her head shoots up and the whites of her eyes show. She'll move away just enough to make her point, but it's not you that is the problem. She is happy to come with you, but she doesn't want you to put that thing on her head.

My senior gelding, Ambrose, arrived the very model of a 'yes' man. Everything I asked of him he did without complaint or hesitation. Within a couple of weeks I was riding him, but he was incredibly tense. So I switched him from a regular bridle into my softest sidepull and started step by step asking him 'is this okay?'. He quickly opened up. One day, after months of rehab work, I stood with him at the mounting block and listened when he told me very clearly that he did not want me on his back.

A lot of so-called 'consent-based' horse training involves leveraging the horse's natural responses to manufacture a 'yes'. Horses are incredibly malleable and it is fairly easy to manipulate an uncomfortable horse into doing what you want and looking like they are doing it voluntarily. And as I've said before, humans are great at telling ourselves stories and interpreting things to make ourselves feel better. Really listening to our horses takes practice and a lot of self-reflection.

My Safe Word is 'Ouch'.

A hard 'no' from a horse is rare, and it's usually not the first sign of trouble. They get there via a series of 'I'm not sure' or 'let me sniff that' or 'ouch'. At this stage, it's still about them. And if you respond to this in a way that allows exploration and with minimal pressure, often you can help them through what is making them hesitate and avoid that hard 'no'. This is where relationship - a solid social bond and a level of trust - come into play. And this is where a little bit of patience and investigation on your part can prevent a whole lot of trouble.

But when the focus switches to you and what you are doing, the nature of the 'no' also changes. When 'I'm not sure' becomes 'don't do that', you've got a choice to make. Do you do the thing anyway and make the horse deal with it? Do you look at your training or your approach and find another way to achieve what you are trying to achieve? Do you decide that you don't really need to do the thing and let it go? As Pat Parelli famously said 'if your horse says no, you either asked the wrong question or you asked the question wrong'.

We can't out-muscle a horse, and if we have any sense of decency at all we wouldn't want to. We can use our brains and our tools to subjugate them in other ways, and plenty of people use this as the basis of their horsemanship with some degree of what could be considered 'success'.

Real collaboration requires compromise. My black mare? I do as much as I can without putting a headcollar on her. My senior gelding? I no longer ride him. Could I have made them do what I originally wanted them to? Probably. Would any of us have enjoyed that? Probably not. Both these ponies have signs of physical issues that absolutely explain their behaviour. So many horses are out there saying 'ouch' and being met with punishment and 'training' rather than empathy and understanding. Horses don't say 'no' just to ruin your day.

How To Catch A Unicorn

According to legend, a unicorn can't be trapped or captured by force. To catch a unicorn you must be pure of heart and sit down in the forest. We'll ignore the bit about how you you're supposed to be a 'maiden'. So you sit in the forest and the unicorn will sense your purity and lie down next to you and put its head in your lap. It's your unicorn now.

My yearling gelding, Kirby, will cross the paddock to meet me if he sees me coming with a headcollar and stick his nose in it quite voluntarily. He is incredibly keen to do what I ask him, but he's still figuring it all out and often the particular 'yes' he offers is not the correct answer. He relies heavily on his family members, and at this stage I never ask him to go anywhere on his own.

I am regularly astonished by how quickly he is evolving from a barely-contained ball of nervous energy to the beginnings of a highly-motivated and sensitive but regulated pony. He's not easy, but by listening to him and not asking him for more than he can cope with he is already showing me that my 'nutty one' actually has the makings of a 'reliable one'. And we've got years to let this process play out.

What is really important to him, though, is body autonomy. He NEEDS you to listen to him when it comes to his space and his body. You can hold his hoof for trimming, but if he needs it back so he doesn't lose balance, you need to give it to him. You can lead him anywhere, but if he needs to step away from you for a moment to let his tension out, you need to let him. While some would be tempted to manhandle him and force him to comply while he's still fairly small, I want him to know that he is safe with me. So that when he is big - and he's already nearly 14hh - I can be safe with him.

If we see the horse as a complex being governed by a delicate nervous system we can relate to them on a deep level and communicate in a way that has no room for force or manipulation. Honouring their 'no' does not make us weak or our training ineffective. It paves the way for a solid relationship that will get us through scary or difficult times should they arise. It creates the foundation for a lifetime of 'yes'.

Ava - My unicorn in the forest.