We have more in common with horses than we realise. But the things we have in common tend to be the things we don't really understand about ourselves.
It's a bit like cats and dogs. A cat who is glad to see you will give you a look and let you work it out, while a dog will bark and wag its tail about it. This loud expression from dogs is probably a tactic developed to communicate with humans, since we are paradoxically bad at reading non-verbal expression. And I say paradoxically because a lot of the social affirmation we so desperately seek lies within this silent communication.
But back to horses for a minute. A lot of what I have been researching over the past couple of years boils down to finding reason behind the magic. Why is it that time spent with horses can be so incredibly healing when it goes well, and how can we make it go well more often?
A lot of it boils down to the nervous system. Ours and theirs. I used to say that a horse is a life-support system for a flight response, but now I realise that a horse is a life-support system for a nervous system. A human is much the same. And we are both on a lifelong quest to to feel okay.
The key to feeling okay is safe connection. This is a concept that stopped me in my tracks when I first learned of it. We can regulate our own nervous system to a degree, but it is much easier when we have someone to regulate with. We can energise each other, calm each other, soothe each other, as horses or humans.
As humans we are constantly in a tug-of-war between seeking this connection and not wanting to rely on others. The reason for this inner conflict is that some of us are not very good at responding to these bids for connection. Some people will even ignore bids for connection as a deliberate microaggression.
When someone ignores, rejects or rebuffs our bids for connection, our nervous system interprets this as 'no, you are not safe'. That's why it feels so bad. All it takes is for a friend to walk past you in the street without acknowledging you, or a member of your household to ignore you when you ask them how their day was. Most likely they were just preoccupied with their own thoughts. But depending on how much stress your nervous system is under and how badly it needs that safe connection, this lack of acknowledgement can create an instant 'they hate me' or 'they must be mad at me' feeling in your stomach.
So it can be very tempting to avoid making bids for connection in order to avoid feeling your nervous system tell you 'no, you are not safe'. And while this might make us feel less bad for a while, it's not going to help you feel okay in the long run.
Living or working with someone who constantly rebuffs your bids for connection feels hostile, even if they are not really doing anything to actively harm you. But someone who can't - or won't - acknowledge you when you reach out to them is never going to be someone you can enjoy being around, especially if you are someone whose nervous system is impacted by trauma.
We are not born with the words to articulate all of this. The effects of trauma on the nervous system, what constitutes trauma and what we need to understand about ourselves and others in order to communicate effectively are still new areas of study. The language around it is clunky. But when you grasp the basics of safe connection you will quickly realise how much of a role it plays in our daily life and in every interaction we have with others.
When it comes to horses, things are both simpler and more complicated. Our horses will make bids for connection with us as long as we don't make a habit of ignoring them. But the body language of horses is a lot more subtle than ours. So we need to pay particular attention and know what to look for.
Some horses, over time, can become quite good at turning up the volume on their body language to help us poor desensitised humans hear them, but they will only make the effort if they think it is worth it. Even the most willing horse will eventually stop bothering to connect with you if you are incapable of listening.
The horse may not go as far as to pack your suitcase and leave it by the front door, but there will be signs.
All you have to do to avoid getting to that point is be open. Ask questions. Invite that connection and see what response you get. Say hello and get their attention rather than just walking up and shoving a halter on your horse's face. Show them the saddle and give them a moment to prepare before you plonk it on their back. If they flinch away from the stiff-bristled brush, use a softer one instead. Learn their individual expressions of affection and where they like to be scratched. Let them know that you see them, you acknowledge them, and that communication with you is a two-way street.
This will allow you to co-regulate. To calm or energise each other as appropriate. You won't have to bark and wag your tail about it.
Relationship is about making and responding to these bids for connection to get to a point where you can rely on both hearing and being heard. This is how we feel okay in a world where so many sources are telling us that we are in danger. Our nervous systems need community and company, be that through family, friends, colleagues or clubs. None of us can do all this for ourselves. We are made to be together.
*I avoid AI like the plague, as a rule, but I couldn't think of a title for this so I used the AI Title Creator on Wix and it gave me a classic clickbait headline. I couldn't resist using it. If you have read all the way to the end your reward is to find out that there are not '5 Surprising Ways' of anything in this post, it really is just an AI generate memefied clickbait headline that I found amusing.
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